You just SIT THERE.
And you have that fucking THING!
That fucking moment where you're stuck
STRESSING
and
DWELLING
and
ANTICIPATING....
And you think about it
and you think about it
and you think about it
and you think about it
and you think about it
and you think about it
etc
etc
etc.
Until you're so fucking built up inside from the fear you've allowed yourself to create that you feel you could almost just spontaneously combust.
It becomes hard to breath.
H E A V Y . H E A V Y . H E A V Y .
So hard.

Fuck!

This world.
Please.
I want to get through this.
Lighten the load. Lighten the load.

For him.
Have hope.
Just listen to the words....

There's no such thing as a best friend, I don't think. It's just a term you start using when you get to a certain age as a kid and learn that you can seclude others and make them feel less important. A weird form of insecurity-fueled power that we all have within ourselves and can bring out whenever necessary. BEST FRIEND. That ONE person that you told every single secret to and made those one million inside jokes with to bring up most often in situations where others around you would feel totally out of the loop. Hysterical laughter and then that one person going, "Hmmm...uhhh yeah. Funny. What?" But then one week later Sally is telling Susie that you have a crush on Bobby and FUCK! Your best friend is no longer your best friend. Now Susie is. Because she let you know that Sally stabbed you in the fucking back. Yeah. hahahaha! We are untrustworthy creatures. We have a weird sense of when and when not to feel regret sometimes. So yah. There will ALWAYS be friends. There will always be those few people you may care about more than others. But there is NO best friend. There just isn't.

Though once one is married I guess this whole theory could be put to question since I would assume marrying someone makes them almost instantly a "best friend". Unless they're a cheat.

Yeah. Blah.

I am convinced that living in California could make the ugliest duckling look pretty. This place! Seriously. Damn. The weather. Ahhhh! As soon as I moved here I started to lose some weight, my boobs perked a tiny bit more (I seriously think they did), my hair was shinier and straighter, and my skin became the smoothest as smooth can be. I lost weight, in part, because of the pressure from being surrounded by so many fucking skinny bitches, but also, in part, because I feel I've been surrounded by slightly more health concious people for the past year and have actually chosen that piece of fruit over that bowl of Lucky Charms more often than not. The weather definitely supports the smooth skin and straight hair. No humidity. I had forgotten (till my recent trip to IL) how sticky humidity was, how oily it made my skin feel, and how much it made my hair want to curl. The winter. Grrr. Dry skin. Dry hair. You don't get that here.

Haha. Although now I'm moving to Philadelphia in two weeks. Fuck! Oh well. I'll just have to work that much harder at making myself into something appealing.

Stupid. Blah. Word.

Took a trip for 10 days to Illinois. Had no license or money the entire time. Right away started things off JUST right.

It was a mess overall.
My parents and I will never get along. It is impossible. I was just born into the wrong family, I think.
No.
Really.
SERIOUSLY.
They will never listen to a single god damn thing I say yet they will always somehow get in their words.
So many things I don't have the heart to even rag about in an online journal but that will always remain in my head.

The one girl I always considered my best friend for years has not been my best friend for the past couple, I don't think. I just let myself see. It's hard letting go but sometimes you just have to realize, I guess. And I did. The first night I hung out with her it was fun. Like old times. The second day she was in a weird mood and then another friend of hers came around and she barely spoke two words to me while that friend was around. It was just weird. Maybe awkward. I guess distance does harm all.

My one other friend there that I considered to be a close friend was spreading around the lie that he slept with me. Pretty shitty.

My ex-fiance almost suffocated the life from me with his words. I can only be thankful that we never wed. We are friends of some sort. An amicable split. That's good. That's the best I would hope for with him. I am fully able to move on though. Definitely. I am for certain that the path my life has taken me is the better one in the end. (I think. I hope....fuck, I don't know anything!)

Few good things.
I got to see my brothers who have been raised by the same parents and in that we will always have a comradery. They are difficult people. My parents. My half brother has it the easiest but oh well. He seemed pretty excited to have me around and gave me a really good hug goodbye. I think he may look up to me more than I realize.

I saw my beautiful little year and a half old niece, Makenzie. She's an absolute doll. I taught her how to say kitty cat. Well, she says it in her own way but she definitely says it. It's more like, "diddy ah" when she says it. So everytime I came into the room thereafter she'd start looking around and going, "Diddy aaah?? Diddy aaah???" I was the kitty cat girl. Oh well. 'Aunt Heather' can come into play later.

Reconnected with William. Had a couple of nights of great conversation. I think I may have been the one doing most of the babbling but oh well. He didn't seem to mind. The first night we hung out was a bit weird but after clearing some things up the second night was truly lovely. He's an intelligent person and caring. He gets pretty down sometimes. Yeah, I'm glad I was given the opportunity to refresh that connection.

I saw my beloved kitty, Daizee. She remembered me, too. The moment I started making that "sk sk sk" sound she was rubbing on things and acting all lovey. From then on whenever I was at my parents she would follow me wherever I went. I love that cat so incredibly much. They are going to give her away since I can't take her to Philly with me. It breaks my heart.

Get back here and now I have to endure one more month of this shit before I can move. I asked if I could leave the 17th instead but it looks doubtful. These fucking people! It's amazing they hold no sympathy for the girl who works her ass off for them and then is often stuck just sitting in her room on her days off due to having no car or never knowing ahead of time when she WILL have a day off. It's fucked up.

I'm at my end. My edge of the cliff. It's been hard. Really, really fucking hard. I've been holding a lot in to most. If it weren't for Ryan I'd be dead by now. I say that with 100% certainty. That trip to IL. My current living/work situation. Yeah, I'd most definitely be dead. No doubt in my mind. The idea of shooting myself in the head is even pleasing now. I'd always been so particular about, if I in fact was in control of my death, I would do nothing to cause me to have a closed casket funeral. Now. Fuck it. Fuck it, man. Fuck it. I could care less.

Whatever.
Somehow.....
somehow I'll make it maybe.
Somehow.....

It's hard when you've lost all hope in others and in yourself.

I'm like a fucking lost child sometimes. Or.....all the time...I guess.

Just running around looking for someone to love.

"Love me! Love me! Love me please!"

Asking.
Begging.
That one person I can just trust.
That one person who I can just fucking pour all the love I have within me into their bones.
Till they feel it.
Till they want to reciprocate.

I'm sure there have been moments here and there with people where there was true love there in the air between us. Atleast for a little while. Friends. Boyfriends. Pets. These kids I care for.

My family was never good at being loving. I don't feel anyone in my family quite knows how to show love in the right way. I just have these 21 years of loooooooooonging. I might as well be that confused little 6 year old all over again. Just waiting. Sitting in her bubble just waiting for the day when someone would hug her the right way and hold her the right way and tell her, "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I will love you always and I'll never stop."










Shoot me.

-I am staying here in San Diego, California for probably another whole year.
-I am going to continue working for this family through the summer. Probably till early August. SAVE SAVE SAVE the whole time.
-I am going to attend San Diego City College starting this fall semester and I am enrolling in their cosmetology courses.
-I found out I could get financed (AND with a rather decent interest rate for someone with NO credit) and I am in the process of purchasing my very own reliable car w/ warranty. So neat, I know. I have missed having my own car so. It's been almost a year and a half!!
-I will be working part-time hopefully as a waitress somewhere down in SD while I am in school.
-Hopefully, I will be able to find roommates from people that I am already acquainted with but if not, there's always good ol' Craigslist.
-I plan to use school loans to pay my rent (if I can get them). My job to pay other bills/gas/etc.
-I am freaking out every single day about the choices I am making because, as of late, I've been doing everything necessary to keep the ball rolling but really it is all in father time's hands and that I can not control.

My parents are not supportive of the idea. AT ALL. I lose respect and love for my stepmother and father every single day. I had thought a stronger more mature bond had started to build in this past year but I was wrong. Unless I do or say exactly what they want they are going to have a fit. Heather, it will always be that way. My father rarely even writes a single e-mail and lets her do all of the talking and it irritates me all to hell. I have sort of developed an idea, after taking care of children for the past year and a half, of the kind of love that my stepmother may have for me since I am not her child. It is possible to love a child VERY much but there will always be that "something" missing if that child is not physically from you and your makeup. So it really bothers me when she tries to ACT like she loves and cares about me as a daughter and then puts me down when I don't respond exactly in the way she wanted me to. It does not matter how much time I spend responding (because it has always been thin ice with my parents) as logically, intelligently, honestly, and as kindly as I possibly can....it  always ends up being nothing she wanted to hear and so she goes into mega-bitch mode. My father just sits back and lets her go on and on in these e-mails. Never writing one word.
Whatever.
Fuck them both.

I had the option of moving back to Illinois. I had already mailed a few boxes back. In the end, though, it just wasn't the best idea. I would have been near my best friend again. Yes. We keep coming up with small chances to be near each other again and then something always seems makes it not work out. It is truly unfortunate because I love her very much. Though she hasn't been speaking with me though since I've made this choice which confuses me....but that's a whole different thing there. It also probably could have been a bit easier/cheaper. My ex-fiance of a year and a half ago (we have still remained close friends), Nick, offered to take me in right off the bat so I could avoid having to bunk at my parents at all. I just don't think that would have been a good idea. Yes, I love this person very much, but no, not in a relationship sort of way. We get along. We always will get along and we will always have fun together. Long term though I just don't see it happening. He's content there. I'm content everywhere but there. I see so very far outside of the box and he sees things just fine inside of it. I found I could feel more challenged elsewhere and I'd like to see who else is out there in the world that I am supposed to meet.

I also can't help that my heart is still already in the hands of another either. The pressure to jump into something new again would have been so strong and hmmm....yeah. That just would have made things difficult as well. Damn this person of the opposite sex with that grin and those eyes! I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I really wish I could just let go. Just like that.
In due time....
In due time....

So there we go. There's what's going on with me. My life is absolutely insane right now and it has felt like the world has been swallowing me whole but so far, at this point, I am still alive. That has to mean something, right? I can't say I haven't necessarily tried to jeapordize it but....I AM still breathing so...I guess the end of the road is still a ways away for me.

Moving out to California on a whim one year and two months ago with five dollars to my name was pretty terrifying. This.....this isn't feeling much different. Wish me luck. I really, really need it. Luck. Hope. Chance. Faith. All of it. Send it my way.
Please.

Such a struggle.
If it's not one thing....it's another.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
But I will somehow survive.
I have to.
I just have to.
It's my human nature to try and withstand "survival of the fittest."

I have so much going. I may explode. Very excited to make my visit back to IL. For a few days I will be able to try and forget everything and just live and breathe. It will be so nice to reconnect with a couple of people....

I'm doing crazy things and talking to very few about them. We'll see what happens.

I did something really horrible about a month ago. That's all I can say about that even though I really wish I could tear someone down. But I won't. 

For some reason right now I just wish I could see their face ripped to shreds. I don't understand them.



There was this family of squirrels that lived in the yard. There was a mother and a father and three little ones. For as long as I've been living in this house I've watched those three little squirrels grow up. I saw them take some of their first steps into the world without their mother right there by their sides. They would get scared at the slightest sound or movement and scurry back into hiding. I watched all the way up to the recent point where they were starting to be pretty independent yet still interacted with each of their family members, of course.

Well, this house has mice and this time the Terminix guy decided to put down some poison boxes outside around the house.



......I haven't seen the little squirrels at all this entire past week.




I am going to go sob into my pillow now.


No.
Really.

Fuck the world!
Fuck it.

Today, T.J, who is four and my sweetheart out of all of the kids, was so incredibly excited when he came home from wrestling and he told me all about it. It was "pizza night". On Thursdays the whole team and their families go out for pizza at the same pizza place, and if T.J's been good (along with his older siblings) he gets a few quarters to put into one of the arcade games or toy machines. Of course, T.J. always goes for the toy machines and today he had a special surprise for me.

T.J: (after displaying his array of 'won' goodies onto the kitchen floor) And then I got THIS special ring. (holds plastic ring in clear plastic ball up for me to see) And you know what color the jewel on it is?
Me: What?
T.J: (his eyes light up) GREEN.
Me: Ohhhh, well THAT is a very good color.
T.J: I know. It's one of your most favoritest colors! I got it just for you.

TJ, Eli (who's three), and I had been talking about our favorite colors a week ago and T.J. remembered that my favorite color was, in fact, green. Too cute.

Then I go upstairs and Tanya tells me that T.J. said to everyone at wrestling, "I'm going to marry MY nanny when she grows up." And Tanya asked, "Don't you mean when you grow up, T.J?" And T.J said, "Noooo. When she grows up, duh." haha. He had it a little backwards. (Or did he?)

So incredibly cute.
I wanted my video camera in hand so badly when he was talking to me and telling me about the evening.
I recommend to everyone...if you ever get a chance...watch a child tell a story they are really excited to tell. Their eyes get so bright and there is so much conviction behind whatever it is that they are saying. Trivial or not. It's fascinating.

And somehow, after a rather bad day, this made me smile, and I really needed that.

So...there's this guy named, Ryan, (not the one I used to date) who I became "friends" with back in September/October through Myspace. We ended up meeting after only about a week or two of writing and ummm...yeah....bad idea. Most other people I've met through this place I had been writing back and forth with for atleast a month or more. Those people became good friends. It proved that personality can sometimes most definitely travel through text if you really try. But this guy.....wow. I had thought he would have been a bit more artisitic and introverted of a person judging from some of his neat and artistic profile pictures but I was way wrong. I've given this guy the nickname, "Crazy Ryan", and have even told him that that is what I call him. It's been quite a few months since I may have mentioned this kid but I know if I mentioned him in the past that was what I called him then and I still do.

We hung out three times, I believe. The first time we went out to PB where he took me along Sunset Cliffs Blvd. and showed me some of the views of the sunset on the cliffs there. The one-sided flirting started almost instantly after we met. This dude came/comes on hella strong. The second time we hung out was to go to the MCS/FOB concert at Soma, and the whole time we were standing in line he kept invading my space. Majorly. I have pictures where I'm giving looks worth a thousand words to prove it. The third time, I was like okay....if this guy doesn't cool it by now then this must honestly be how he is. It's not nerves. It's just him. I gave him THREE chances to become an appealing person.....but....no.

See....sometimes, I would say about forty percent of the time, he would say really intelligent and thought provoking things. The other sixty percent of the time he was thinking about sex, and a lot of people are probably like this (maybe even worse) but we keep it to ourselves. Crazy Ryan.....nononono. Not Crazy Ryan. He puts it alllll out there. So every time he opened his mouth I was always on edge as to whether it would be something interesting or absolutely ridiculous.

One time, (ex-boyfriend) Ryan and I were walking in Hillcrest and unfortunately bumped into Crazy Ryan at a crosswalk. I was immediately nervous because, though I never let things go anywhere sexually with this person (believe me, he's actually called me a 'prude'), I was still very aware of his random loose lips. Sure enough, right there on the sidewalk Crazy Ryan had the nerve to invite me to some concert and then joke about getting permiscuous with him after the show. He said all this RIGHT IN FRONT of my (then) boyfriend!

What the fuck, right?

Yeah....so anyway, suddenly he calls me up tonight out of nowhere after months of not talking (he was also long ago deleted from my Myspace friends list) and has the nerve to start hitting on me and saying the same jackass-type things he used to say. I let him know over and over that he's crazy and totally rag on his fucking ego but nothing seems to work. It's like he just thinks I'm playing hard to get. It's been MONTHS since I've spoken to this guy!! I mean, c'mon man. I think you'a . I'm not interested.

WTF?!

He wants to give me backstage passes to something he's co-running coming up at the House of Blue's and even when I say, "NO, thanks," he urges on. Now...unless I am BRUTALLY, bitch-Ima-bout-to-slap-yo-face pissed off it is really hard for me to be outright "bitch mean" to a person. I already feel like I've been a complete jerk to this guy but he just doesn't get it. Although....now that I think about it, I've thought about slapping him across the face many times with some of the ridiculously bold things he has said to me so hmm...maybe I need to stop biting my tongue entirely.

Thank goodness I don't live right in San Diego because I swear if I did this guy would seriously stalk me. Show up on my doorstep just-happened-to-be-walking-on-by right when I leave my front door type shit.

So basically from 'Hello' when I answered the phone I was trying to get out of the conversation. In the end, I basically ended up hanging up on him. He started to go on a roll saying ridiculous things and so I said, "Okay, I'm hanging up now," and then I did.

The end.



Creepy creepy creeps.

Three boxes packed full and you know what...things aren't looking too bad. I'm giving/throwing away a lot of stuff and my clothes seem to have condensed nicely. I am hoping that what is left of my clothes in my closet will be able to squish into my luggage for the plane.

Though luggage is something that I still need to acquire. I am most likely going to have to go with some $60 set that Tanya said she saw at Wal-Mart. Not very big but it's probably going to be my best bet.

I have three boxes left. Yeah, I'm a little excited because I am definitely being reassured in the idea that I will be able to squish my down comforter into a box and it will be worth it. SO worth it.

Things already packed:
-books
-the majority of clothes I wasn't planning on putting in my suitcase
-photo albums
-movies & cd's
-memory boxes


FUCK! SHOES! THAT is where I'm going to get bit in the ass. Forgot about shoes. I may just try to put every single pair I have into this very large duffel bag and then take them on the plane because shoes are probably going to be a bigger pain to mail.

So...hmm...

For the plane
-1 suitcase w/ clothes, makeup case, bath products...
-1 duffel bag filled with shoes (if this is possible and if my shoes don't end up weighing over 50 lbs)

Carry on
-laptop
-video camera

I hate moving with a passion. Fuckin a. I've done it all too much in the past couple years. RAAR!

Okay....this has been a tiny bit uplifting. The faster I can get to the point of independence again the easier it will be to try and ground my head.

-four wheels that go vroom
-a room with a window that is all my own
-and a shared kettle of tea late at night (among other things)

It will be nice. Yes? Yes. Tell me it will be nice....